Roommates
Chapter 18: An Understanding

Kiyara---------------------------

"Kiki, you really gotta eat something," Morti told me, dropping another bag onto my bed.  They were a different kind, looked more like dried fruit from the top, but I didn't really want to eat them.  Nudging them off the bed I returned to studying, while Morti frowned.  I know she meant well.  I know I hadn't eaten all morning and into the afternoon.  I didn't feel hungry, if that makes any sense.  I didn't feel much of anything, but I managed to force myself to attempt studying for the sake of my grades.  That was harder than it usually is, because thinking felt like fighting quicksand.  

"You really need to stop beating yourself up over this, Kiki," she said quietly.

"What else am I going to do?" I asked her, still reading.  

She sounded like she was going to say something when my cell phone went off, vibrating.  I ignored it, and for a while so did Morti until it went off again as a reminder.  "You got a message," she told me.

"I know."

"...You want me to get it for you?"

"If you want."

She sighed and went for my cell phone.  Her nails were painted yellow this time, I saw.  She picked it up and pressed a button and went silent for a bit.  "You got a text."

Another button press.  "It's from Sem."

I had to admit she had my attention now.  I stopped trying to study; it's not like I was having a great amount of success with that anyway.  Sem contacted me.  To say what?  "What does he want?"

"He wants to meet you at the south cafeteria.  Couple hours from now, at 5, he says."

I looked at her now, and she already was holding out my phone.  I took it and looked over the message.  Want to talk, meet me at S. cafeteria at 5.  That was it.  And he decided to tell me in text rather than call me.  What did it mean?  Did it even mean anything?  Against my better judgment, the tiny flutter of hope began to bloom.  Despite the impersonality of the message, he still wanted to meet with me.  So maybe it wouldn't be the last time I would see him, outside of a classroom.  I bit my lower lip.

"Hm.  Well, I'm gonna go," Morti said suddenly.  

I actually looked at her now, though somewhat wildly.  She was worried, seemed to wince briefly before turning away toward the door.  "Later," she said.

"Okay..." I managed before she was gone, the door closing behind her.  Despite Morti's behavior, for the first time in a while I was starting to feel... well, something.  I was excited and my stomach reminded me what I hadn't chose to put into it.  Looking down among the bags that I had pushed off my desk, I found a bag of sour cream and onion chips.  My favorite.  Some more looking, and I spotted several bags of the same flavor, with different brands.  I started to feel a little bad for ignoring Morti, but probably the best way to make up for it was to eat something.  So, I opened a bag, took out a chip, and ate it.

It was pretty good.

Sem---------------------------

It was about quarter to 5 when I got to the south cafeteria.  Well, for the second time that day.  For the last couple of hours, I had been wandering pretty aimlessly about campus after ducking in here for a late-ish lunch or something.  Jeez.  I had no idea that I was even capable of sleeping that late.  Even on the weekends I was the guy that was up and about while some people were still struggling out of bed.  And yet, today, I wake up at, what was it, one?  I wasn't sure, and it didn't help that the whole... thing happened that morning.  

That was just something else.  I'm not even sure if I should believe Croy, because it didn't sound like me, or anything I would do.  Then again, I had been drunk, or so what must have been a hangover told me.  Did I really yell at him?  And over what?  He didn't tell me, so I was left to puzzle it out myself.  Ugh, screw it.  I had enough to deal with today, and right now I didn't want to deal with my crazy roommate.  But that was probably unfair, though.  If nothing else, the guy had cared for me while I was sick.  Morning thing aside, it was nice to know that he had even bothered.

I fingered my phone for a bit when I went in line for food.  I guess I wanted to call somebody, though I wasn't really sure who or even what to say.  Sighing, I put it away, getting some of whatever was on the menu.  It looked alright; some kinda beef something with rice.  Smelled alright, too.  So some of that went on my plate, along with the today's dessert, and I went to go find an empty table.  Thankfully, the cafeteria wasn't so crowded.  Must be really early for the dinner crowd to get here.  

When I found a table, there was only really one thing to do aside from eat, and that was to decide exactly what I wanted to say to Kiyara.  She must be on her way already, going by the time.  But then a tray was placed on the table, opposite from mine.  When nobody sat down, I looked up and saw Morti.  "Um, hi."

She had an odd look on her face.  If I was to guess, it looked like equal parts anger and contrition.  "I'm worried about Kiyara," she told me without preamble.  "I'm worried about her because she is going to worry herself sick, wondering exactly what the hell you're going to do with her.  She's upset, Sem.  Really upset.  To the point where she didn't even want to eat anything.  Unless she ate some of the crisps I got her, she will walk in here having not eaten a thing all day."

Shit.  That's probably the last thing I wanted to hear, even if it made some sort of sense.  "...I'm sorry, Morti."

She started in what I'm guessing was surprise, then leaned on the table.  I wasn't looking at her face, more down and away from her, and occasionally glancing up at her face.  I could see her tail lash behind her in an irritated fashion.  "You're sorry? You're sorry?  What are you sorry for?"

"I should not have yelled at her like that."

Morti stared at me for a few moments, frowning and shaking her head.  "I don't know whether or not I should be mad at you.  If I have a right to be mad at you.  See, I can understand you being upset because of what she did, but it's not like what you did was any better."  She looked up, her brilliantly green eyes studying me for a moment.  "So if you're really sorry, I don't care what else you do, just get her to eat something."  With that, she took her tray and left.  I didn't get a whole lot of time to think about what she said, which was probably for the best.  Besides, I saw Kiyara not too long after.  

Kiyara---------------------------

I saw Sem wave to me, if hesitantly.  That seemed positive enough, but I paused, pushing my hair back behind an ear.  It was a nervous gesture, and the fact that I did it irritated me for a brief moment.  It didn't help that the appetite I had developed as I came here evaporated when I actually saw him.  Like it or not, I had to talk to him.  I had to know how we stood.  

I sat down across from him with my now overfull tray, ears pressed against my head.  I was surprised with how much I had managed to stuff onto my tray: at least two of the main courses as well as a plethora of sides and a few desserts to go with it.  "That's a lot of food," he said to me, looking at me with a little smile.  "Sure you're gonna eat it all?"  I wasn't sure how I felt, but I didn't answer him.  He let out a little cough, then looked at me again.  "I'm actually glad that you came, and that you seem to be hungry.  Morti was here not too long ago," he added quickly, when I looked at him with a frown.

"What did she tell you?" I asked.

"That you haven't eaten anything all day,"

"Mm.  Yeah, sometimes that happens," I told him, looking down again.  The tray and its contents were looking less appetizing by the second.

There was another moment of silence between us, which he broke by clearing his throat.  "Okay, well, uh, lemme start.  Kiyara, I... well, I wanted to apologize for flipping out on you.  That wasn't right.  I don't care how justified I may or may not be, that still isn't right.  About that, though."

I wasn't really conscious of it, but I knew that at some point, I had pulled into myself, not looking at him.  Steeling myself for the blow that I knew was coming.  He took a deep breath while I held mine.  What I didn't realize is that I had left a paw out on the table.  It occurred to me that I did when he took it into one of his own.  I looked up at him, surprise plain on my face.  "I guess what I'm trying to say is... well, I'm sorry for being so uptight.  It was just a bit overwhelming, all of that."

"Why are you apologizing?" I asked him, frowning again.  "I'm the one that made you so uncomfortable!"

"Because I've had a bit of time to think about things.  And while I guess that was jarring, well... I dunno.  I just feel really bad for yelling at you about it, and... well, I'm gonna try to keep more of an open mind.  More importantly, I don't think I want us to end, Kiyara."  He gave my paw a little squeeze, smiling still.  "If... if that's alright with you."  I quickly nodded.  "Just one thing, though."

"What is it?"

"Warn a guy, next time?  I know you like surprises and all, but... only so much that I can handle."

"O-of course," I said, nodding again.  I was still bewildered that this was even happening.  I was... I was really, really hungry.  I pulled my paw from his, which left him frowning until I picked up a fork.  Then he laughed, and I couldn't help but flush.  

The sounds of the other diners filled our silence as I cleaned my plate, but it was a much friendlier one than before.  Sem seemed to enjoy watching me eat; he didn't eat too much himself, just kept looking at me  with this stupid little smile on his face that didn't stop me from blushing or eating.  Gods, I must have looked like a glutton.  But it all tasted so, so good.  

When I managed to clear most of the food from my plate (and suppressing a belch), I looked up at him and put my paw over his.  He smiled back, then held up a napkin.  "You got a little somethin'..." he began.  

"Where?" I asked, going for my own.  

"Got it," he said, and gently wiped away some food particle my tongue had evidently missed.  The little gesture left a warm, filling feeling in me that had nothing to do with the food I had just ate.  I love him, I realized.  I really do.  No wonder it hurt so much... and I can only imagine...

"Listen, Sem, I know we just made up, but, I have a favor to ask you."  I gave his paw a little squeeze, which he returned.

"What is it?" he asked. 

I leaned in, drawing him in as well.  "It's about something you've been putting aside for a while now, and I think it's time you paid attention to it."

Croy--------------------------

I couldn't even begin to understand how Icarus could be positive about this.  I told him everything that had happened, and the first thing he said was "well, you might still have a shot."

"...how?  How could I possibly have anything?"

"He said he was open to the possibility--"

"When he was DRUNK!" I had told him, cutting him off.  "Sober, it was business as usual!"

That was pretty much how the entire conversation went.  Look, Icarus is my best friend, but I'm not about to hold onto some false hope.  If anything, I'm back to square one, maybe with some brownie points for helping him through the hangover.  Ugh... I should do something.  Anything.  I ended up playing a computer game, though I'm pretty sure I should have been studying.  

I was seriously considering taking a head-clearing walk when I heard a key digging into the lock.  I was not looking forward to seeing Sem.  I have no idea what could possibly go right.  The walk seemed like a much better idea by the second, so I grabbed a coat and started to head toward the door.  By this time, Sem was already through it, looking at me.  

"Hey... uh, you going somewhere?"

"Not really."

"Can I talk to you?"

Oh, I did not like this.  I did not like the sound of this one bit.  I looked at him, and he had his ears pulled back like he was embarrassed about something.  Crap.  "What about?"

"Just, um, could you take a seat?"  He pointed at the table.  I should have gone.  I sure as hell felt like I should have gone, but some apparently masochistic part of me wanted to stay and hear him out.  So I closed the door, and I sat down at the table, with him across from me.  

"What's going on?" I asked, softer than before.

Sem sighed, looked away, and seemed to take a moment to gather himself.  I was liking this less and less.  "I wanted to talk about, well... us for a second."

Oh, gods.  It was hard to keep myself from cringing.  "What do you mean?"

"I've, uh," he stopped and cleared his throat.  He still wouldn't look at me.  "I've become aware of late of some... tension, between us."  I don't think it's right for us to keep living together.  I don't want us to be roommates anymore.  I'm not attracted to you.  Stop hitting on me.  I'm not gay.  I couldn't stop myself from filling in the blanks.  It was horrible.  I wanted to tell myself to shut up, it was painful enough hearing it unfold without thinking up possibilities for him.  

"What do you mean?" I forced myself to say, delaying the inevitable.  

He scratched the back of his head.  "It's just..."

"What's wrong, Sem?"

Maybe it was in the way I said it, but he looked up at me, surprised.  Why the fuck was he surprised?  "Croy, you okay?"

"Why does it matter?" I answered flatly.

In response, he got up and pulled the chair over until it was next to mine, and sat down again.  Now it was my turn to be surprised.  "What's going on?" he asked me.

"Look, Sem, I've figured it out already.  I don't know why you're dancing around it so much."

"Dancing around what?"  Why the fuck does he look so goddamned confused?

I sighed.  "Sem, I know.  I've been overbearing.  I've... jeez.  I understand, okay?  I'll just keep to myself until the semester ends."

I really wanted him to stop playing so goddamn dumb.  The look on his face both baffled and pissed me off.  "I get it, Sem.  You wanna move out, right?  Stop being so damn coy about it.  I get that I've pissed away my welcome, okay?  I get that I--"  I didn't get much farther than that, because then he did something that really caught me off guard.  At first, I felt him grabbing my head.  Then, he was kissing me.  

This blew my mind on several different levels, to put it mildly.  First of all, it's Sem for cryin' out loud.  If Sem isn't shy, he's reserved or reclusive.  Secondly, I had been pretty convinced that Sem was about to move out or something similar based on my hitting on him.  This, of course, seemed to prove me dead wrong, and you know what?  I can deal with being wrong about these kinds of things.  

I started to melt at some point.  Before it got too bad, the panther had pulled away from the kiss, leaving me blinking and staring at him.  He was flushing, and badly.  "Um," he started, and I made no move to stop him.  "How... how long?  Have you been, uh, attracted to me?"  He still refused to look at me, and his voice trailed off at the end of the sentence to just barely audible.  

"Since... since before the first party I took you to," I told him, also quietly.  

He nodded.  "I, uh... actually caught you.  Jerking it.  It was... confusing to me.  I didn't know how to react.  And um, I guess... I didn't know how to... react... and I didn't know... what to think, so... I didn't want to think about it.  You confused me.  But, um... now..." Then he looked up at me, giving me the full force of his blue eyes.  "Now, I, uh, wanna explore things.  With you."

"Explore... how?" I held my breath.  

He managed a little smile.  "Explore, like... 'your room or mine' explore."

I blinked.  This was almost too much.  I didn't know what to say, and it looked like he wasn't too much better.  

"Croy?"  The smile had faded.  

"Yeah?"

"Your room or mine?  Please... say something, I feel like I'm going to lose my nerve soon--"

"Yours," I answered quickly.

He nodded, then grabbed my paw as he stood up.  He half-led, half-dragged me to his door with me still in a semi-shocked state, opened it, and pulled me in.  As he closed the door behind us, I knew there was no way I could fully suppress my excitement.  I just hoped I wouldn't scare him off.