Armadillo Peccadilloes (c)2022 by (((Trevor Patrick)))


Out walking the dog
the second-last evening
of two-thousand twenty-two.

No matter what I've got on the agenda
Puppers ALWAYS has 
more important business to do.

A bully-mutt likes to be in charge
& that's all there is to it!
Just 'cuz I refuse to accept 
that particular memo,
well, that's no excuse 
for being a thick, dumb human!

Lots of things to sniff
lots of pee-mails to send
& the all-important number two
that comes out at the end --

-- & just like the Solitaire deck
the Statler Brothers
sang about playing with
'til dawn,

I'm less than than a day
& a few 'perfectly good hours'
from having a 
(year)-count of fifty-one

Heavy dew & ghostly mist
rising from the inland/lowland
swampy coastal plains
West of St. Augustine,

Sounds seem deadened & muffled
just only a few feet away
though some nights I can hear the traffic
on I-95 a couple miles to the east

Sometimes I'll see the herd of whitetails
nosing & grazing during the day,
but if they see the dog behind the window,
they'll snort, lift tails & run away.

But in the evening time,
just a chunky, cranky opossum,
even the dog seems to know better;
wouldn't trust him as far as he could toss him.

But, 
not so with all the little armadillos,
& their nighttime
lawn-digging peccadilloes.

I guess things have gotten boring
since the Armadillo World Headquarters 
closed down,
though it was once Austin's hottest place
to hear all the newest sounds.

But here in Florida,
he just leaps up with a little squeal
& full-tilt runs away;

even though the dog 
solemnly promises
(wags his tail & paw-crosses his heart)
that he only wants to play.

Just like underneath a passing car,
armadillo does the same little jump 
unfortunately earning him the name
of "Texas Speedbumps."

& they say they carry leprosy,
(but never explained the rest to me),
so unless I wanna wash my hands with a brillo,
I'd better not try & pet the 'dillos!

But when I played hockey as a kid
(some time in the Late Seventies)
my Cooper gloves supposedly had
'armadillo thumbs'

(not sure if it was 
the actual real deal,
or just some hard, 
plastic lump)

But there's something to be said
about 'dillo's armoured strength,
& possessing a rope-coiled penis 
up to 2/3 of their body-length,

(& I think I'll avoid
the most obvious joke
even though it might disappoint
more than a few folks)

Yeah, I think I'll 
stay in my lane & station,
& I'll trust the reader's 
imagination.

& I think that when it 
comes to having an identity crisis,
Armadillo's more than used to it,

'cuz individuality can't be easy
when every 'dillo family
isn't just one or two kids
but identical quadruplets.

So, I'm sorry, Puppers
to be such a fun-sponge
& joy-killer,

but even if I let you off the leash,
you're never gonna catch
the Florida Armadillo.